I Can’t Self-Care
I’m not proud of it — the first items on my to-do list every day are:
Eat 3 meals
Shower
Brush teeth
But that’s how it is. As a 27 year old, I’m proud to say I finally do in fact eat three meals most days. I also shower and brush my teeth most days. I couldn’t say that for most of the last few years, unfortunately.
But that’s not self-care. That’s basic Keep This Flesh Suit Alive 101. And I’ve just now mastered it. Over a quarter of the way into my life.
I don’t know how to admit it, other than just blurting it: I can’t self-care.
I’ve read a million articles and infographics and listicles and Facebook posts and Tumblr reblogs and Instagram captions that tell me to hop into the tub with a candle lit and some soothing music or to write in my little journal or to drink some chamomile tea or water my succulents or take a walk or… any number of things I would love to do if I enjoyed my company when I was sad.
But when I’m down, like way down below normal state almost tipping into Total Panic Meltdown, I cannot even move. I can barely shower, brush my teeth, eat 3 meals.
Hell, today I ate 3 meals only because I ate two dinners to make up for my anxiety-for-breakfast routine.
I’m being honest with you all to tell you this: my silly little roadmap works sometimes. And other times the darkness is too deep. Sometimes I can’t keep it from coming over me, like a dusky storm cloud about to unleash a torrent upon a desert.
AND THAT’S OKAY.
Self-care isn’t about relaxing. It’s about TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF: mind, body, and soul. Not just one calming bath. Not just a yoga session. Not just a journal entry. Those won’t help, not alone at least. Those are just soothing mechanisms.
Taking care of yourself is just trying to get ahead of the darkness.
But some days, you just have to leave the door open for it.
Some days, you just have to work with your darkness. Make a little bit of room for it. Not give into it totally, but let it sit next to you, calmly, without taking everything over.
Some days you have to make your darkness your friend.
A college roommate, one who unfortunately played a big part in the ripening of my CPTSD, painted a portrait of me. She never finished it, but it was one of those: an angel and a devil sitting on each shoulder. The devil pulled on my hair while the angel whispered grace into my ear.
That’s self care. Just trying to give the angel a little bit more say.
Why Real Self-Care is Important
Self-care is often touted as a must for chronically ill and mentally ill people. We only have so many “spoons”, as my mom says in reference to her fibromyalgia, and those of us plagued by illness have fewer and smaller spoons than most.
But regardless of whether you’ve got a totally clean bill of health or not, self-care, real self-care, is vital to ensuring you like a happier and more fulfilled life.
When everything is down, these little rituals allow us to keep the darkness at bay.
My Road Map for Self-Care in an Uncaring World
There’s so much more to taking care of your soul container than you would even believe. In order to be a happy, healthy human we need: safety, security, assurance of a full belly, positive social relationships, and a love for the self. I tack each of these below.
1. Safety and Security
Often, I get stuck here. One of my biggest issues is that I don’t often feel safe, partly because I find it incredibly difficult to set boundaries with other people.
Setting boundaries is a hugely important part of making sure you feel safe and secure. If you live in an environment where you never get any alone time, how are you supposed to do the basic maintenance work you need to on yourself? Where will you find the time?
It’s important to carve out moments for you to take care of yourself, and yourself alone. If you have kids, I know this can be difficult, but it’s not a race to see who can sacrifice the most of their sanity to take care of another. We have to take care of ourselves first, and that starts with setting boundaries.
2. Basic Need Check-In
After so long of my body constantly firing off false signals, I find that I am often numb to the basic needs of it. So if you’re feeling down, take a moment to check in with yourself.
Do you need food, water, sleep, or a moment of relaxation? What is your body telling you?
It may take a little practice to read these signals if you’ve ignored them for so long, like I have, but I almost always need food when I’m super anxious. A huge hit of protein can stop my low blood sugar from ruining an otherwise good day.
3. Positive Social Engagement
There is absolutely nothing that makes me feel better than hanging out with a group of my good friends. Better yet, if it happens around a fire in the middle of woods we’re all camping in — I’m in heaven.
Find your social sweet spot. It doesn’t need to be every day, but at least once a week, try to hang out with people that make you feel good. People that you love. I promise you it’ll make you feel better.
4. Move Your Body
I don’t think there’s been anything in my life that has helped me cope with mental illness better than exercise. When I was young and about to fall into a Total Panic Meltdown, I’d strap on my Nike’s and run as fast as I could, just to work the pain out.
I encourage you to find whatever exercise works best for you.
I don’t get to run often anymore because of an injury, but I’ve found so much healing in [hoop dance]. It doesn’t need to be hard — you just have to give a little bit of movement love to yourself.
The endorphins will follow.
6. Fall In Love With Yourself
Practicing self-compassion can be difficult, but we make it easier on ourselves when we regularly engage in activities that allow us to express our deepest feelings.
For me, those things are writing, hooping, and reading. Nothing on the planet makes me as happy as those three things. Notice I included a more passive activity in that — for me, reading is an incredibly engaging and expressive experience for me, one that helps me understand myself better through other people’s stories.
Whatever it is that makes you happy, that makes your heart sing, do more of that. That’s true self-care: looking at your darkness and deciding to celebrate life instead.
Your New Beginning
I’m not an expert on this subject. I’m just a girl who took decades to learn how to shower and brush her teeth every day.
So take it from me when I say: this stuff can be hard. But if you have game plan, a road map to tackle self-care and keep that darkness at bay a bit, you’re one step closer to a happier and healthier life.
Believe me — if baths with scented candles healed me, I’d never get out of the tub. But they won’t.
So we have to take action ourselves. We have to make our own pathway through the darkness.
And maybe one day we’ll find a way out.
Originally published on Medium.com on August 20th, 2019.
Total Panic Meltdown 