5 Ways to Pull Yourself Out of the Quarantine Slump

I’ve been trying to avoid the internet lately.

There are so many reasons (including the ongoing protests and racial violence), but the one I want to talk about today is this: whenever I log onto social media, I see pictures of my friends, arm in arm with a companion, smiles roaring across their faces. Often in bathing suits, slick with sunshine, and with sweating, ice-cold beers in their hands. So happy to be together once again. As if they feel safe and warm and loved.

I crave this feeling, after months and months of social distancing. I want to feel the warmth of a friend next to me, listening to good music and smoking some Colorado green. I want to relax with a human besides my boyfriend, to just languish in the company of a person who I haven’t seen in many moons and laugh at inside jokes I’ve forgotten about. But honestly, I’m not ready. I’m not ready to jump into the pool of socialization once again–I don’t feel safe.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

So whenever I log onto the web, I indulge. I fantasize about what it would be like to live in Europe or New Zealand or somewhere that actually followed the science of the pandemic, and dream of hanging with a group of close friends, my stomach full of happiness.

Unfortunately, that indulgence isn’t particularly helpful. In fact, fantasizing about being social has a huge negative effect on my motivation and productivity. Instead of actually getting down the business of life, I get caught up in what my ideal would be, and spend all of my time there, lost in the la-la land of the pretend life of Sam.

And thus, we have the quarantine slump. In March, I was hopeful, and eager to spend more time alone to work on myself. By May, I was depressed, saddened that I had to cancel my trip to Florida to see my family. And this month, I’ve been in a definite and steep downturn. Although I’ve pushed myself to write and exercise and just generally stay active to keep from giving into the darkness completely, I’ve been unable to summon any energy to do anything lately.

I’ve struggled with mental downturns for the majority of my life, so I’m grateful that I have a few tools up my sleeve that can help pull me up when I’m feeling down. For those of you who are also struggling with the quarantine slump, that’s okay. If you’ve given yourself enough space and you are ready to do some deep work to get yourself back in the sunshine, great–these tips should give you a good idea of how to get yourself back on the right track.

Photo by Brianna Martinez on Pexels.com

But if you still need a break, despite trying over and over to get yourself out of a mental funk, give yourself one. This whole pandemic situation has been hard on everyone, and if you already struggle with poor mental health, it probably hasn’t been easy for you. Doing work on yourself is difficult, and can be painful in a way that you may not be ready for. One thing I always stress for my own mental health is to not push myself too hard. It’s one thing to try–it’s another thing to punish yourself by pushing too hard too soon in your mental health journey.

My main advice? Be gentle with yourself. Being a human is a hard, and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.

5 Ways to Improve Your Mental Health After COVID-19

Before we get into this, I want to stress that I am not a mental health professional. Prior to being diagnosed with a myriad of psychiatric illnesses, I’d researched anxiety, PTSD, bipolar disorder, depression, and other mental illnesses extensively. Since being diagnosed, I’ve wanted to use my experience and knowledge to help others. If these tips work for you–awesome, that’s what they are here for!

If not, please let me know what works for you so I can include it in my next blog post! I’d love to form a supportive and loving community where we can all share what helps us to live a happy and mentally-healthy existence!

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

1. Pick Up a Life-Changing Book

I’m (obviously) a writer, so reading has always been a huge part of my life. When I was a child, I spent more time between the covers of novels than I ever did around other people. Reading was safe–it was my haven from the evil and awful world around me. It also taught me how to be a better person when many of the role models I had growing up were narcissistic, selfish, or even just downright rude.

As I’ve gotten older and bit more jaded, however, I’ve found myself reading less and less for pleasure or leisure. Often, the best way for me to pass the time nowadays is to completely distract myself for an hour or two by logging onto Facebook, Instagram, or Youtube and zoning out to random and often vapid content. It’s not a productive or motivational way to pass the time, and it doesn’t do any favors for my already-declining mental health.

One easy way I’ve been attempting to motivate myself is to read more for pleasure. Although my local library is only offering pick-up services at the moment, I’ve found their phone app and online ebook services to be awesome for finding new books to read while I’m stuck at home, anxious and alone. Lately, the most inspiring read I’d picked up is Michelle Obama’s incredible autobiography, Becoming. In the harsh political climate we’re living in now, it’s a bit fun and nostalgic to return to the Obama days and the hope they brought to America.

It’s okay if you have to try a few books before you find one that sticks inside of your chest and helps you deal with life as it is in the moment. But when you find your escape, reading can be one of the most transformational acts you can do for a weary and mentally-downtrodden mind. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend checking out this list of books I wrote about on Medium last year.

Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

2. Make Over Your Self-Care

Whether you are still stuck at home due to health concerns or you are a worker who has to face the mask-less and angry crowds each day, self-care is incredibly important to preventing and helping you to get through tough periods of mental illness. Even if it’s just a 20-minute soak in Epsom salts with some scented candles or 10 minutes of belting out your favorite song, alone in your car, doing little things to improve your self-care routine can help you immensely in times of strife and depression.

The best way to go about making over your self-care for a productive and resilient mind is to take a look at your current self-care routine. Do you make time for skincare, hair care, hygiene, and relaxation? If your routine is missing one of those, add in a small step each day, like applying moisturizer in the morning or taking the time to do your hair before you go to bed. Small steps can lead to huge improvements over the long haul, and indulging in a bit more self-care never hurt anyone.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

3. Find A New Hobby

I’ll admit it: I’m a hobby fiend. Trying new things is addictive to me, especially if it’s something I’d admired from afar for years. There is something really special about starting something new–in Buddhism, they call it “beginner’s mind”, meaning the curious and exploratory phase of learning a new skill. Before you learn to criticize yourself for your lack of skill, there is always a little while of wild bliss before you realize what a true amateur you are. I love that period of time, not only because it’s just plain fun, but because it allows your mind and soul a type of freedom that can be hard to find when you struggle with mental illness.

For instance, if you are someone who deals with low self-esteem or who criticizes yourself a lot, trying something new can be scary. But if you loosen up and allow yourself to have a little bit of fun, you’ll find yourself in that blissful state of beginner’s mind soon enough, and hopefully you can get some distance from your mental health symptoms.

Photo by freestocks.org on Pexels.com

4. Track Your Habits and Goals

I’ve written about habit-tracking and goal-tracking countless times in the past year–I often feel a bit religious about my dedication to it, but it’s important to me to share things that have helped me to deal with the symptoms of mental illness. When it seems like you have nothing to live for, checking off or filling in box can mean a monumental amount for your self-esteem. Tracking your daily habits, as well as long-term goals, gives you something to look forward to, and it also helps you to see your progress. Dealing with anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and other symptoms can be exhausting, but one small victory each day can make a huge difference in your self-esteem.

To start off, a daily to-do list is easy. If you want to track your habits over a month’s time, there are a ton of templates available online to help you do so. Personally, I like to draw up my own charts to fill in myself–it helps me feel much closer to my goals, since I’m working on filling them in each day.

Photo by ArtHouse Studio on Pexels.com

5. Show Love to Yourself

Let’s face it: showing love to yourself when your mental health is in the toilet is not only difficult, it can be downright impossible sometimes. And that’s why it’s so important.

The things you love may be disrupted right now due to the current state of the world, but the person experiencing them, the person who creates that love and happiness, is still right here. Whether it’s baking a cake to celebrate a milestone or making over your apartment to help elevate your mood–there are a myriad of ways to show love to yourself, even if you aren’t feeling it in the moment.

Although the world may be a bit chaotic and sad sometimes, you always have a safe, warm, and loving home inside of yourself. And if you don’t, that’s okay. Keep working on it, and one day you’ll get there.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Don’t Give Into Your Inner Demons

Take it from me: forcing yourself to be productive and motivated when you feel like garbage is not a task for the feeble-hearted. It takes grit, strength, and a lot of hard work to get out of a slump, especially one that is caused by events in the larger world and not just those in your own personal control. But there’s no harm in working on it, and hopefully these tips can show you the way to a little bit of happiness and love, even in the midst of a global pandemic.

How have you all been feeling this week? I’d love to hear what is helping you to be productive and motivated in this weird time. Let me know in the comments!

---

Sam Ripley is a freelance writer living in Colorado. Her book of essays, “The Burden I Carry Makes Me Strong”, was released in October of 2019.

Dancing By Myself: A Story of Conquering Anxiety Through Flow

Each morning, I greet the sun with a prop in hand. Some days its a hula hoop, that silly toy from the 1960s that has brought me so much joy, which swings around my arms and legs in never-ending circles that complement the grammar of my body. Lately, my favorite toy is my dragon staff, a five-foot-long metal monstrosity with four plastic spokes on either end that sparkle as they twirl. And since summer has finally come upon Colorado late into June, each morning is the perfect temperature to get out in the sunshine and spin for an hour. It is my morning meditation. My relaxation. My time to center myself.

Oftentimes, my older neighbor comes outside at the same time as me to water her growing garden: squashes and green onions and peppers and tomatoes sucking up moisture from the soil each morning. We exchange small talk as her grandchildren bob and weave around us, catching glimpses of my prop prowess out of the corners of their curious eyes. No one can help it–when I am playing with one of my sacred tools, there’s really nowhere else to look.

My dragon staff.

I’ve been asked many times: “Why do you hula hoop?” It seems a simple question, on the surface, but for someone who has so much emotion invested in the practice, it’s hard for me to even attempt to encapsulate the “why”. I know that people are just curious as to what brought me to this weird exercise/art form, but it’s a tough one to even approach. As if that is a question I could answer in words. As if I could encapsulate the eight years of joy, peace, and serenity that this art form has brought me into anything more than a pithy and stupid saying.

But if I could answer it in words, in words that would be direct and clear and with as little fluff as possible, this is what I’d say: “Playing and dancing and being childlike helps my mental health. A hula hoop is just a tool to get there.”

---

In 2012, I went through a very transformational period of my life. I found my love for a new type of music and for a new way of living, but most importantly, I found my passion for hula-hooping.

When I was a kid, I was always dancing. In preschool I was put in ballet classes, but soon the rigidity of classrooms wore on me and I was off on my own, twirling in our tile family room in my socks to Celine Dion. I suppose it was ballet that helped me to fall in love with spinning in circles, but it extended far beyond that. Dance wasn’t just fun for me–it was an action that filled my whole body with joy and confidence. My heart radiates when I dance.

That spring that I turned 20, I ran the quarter-mile to my best friend’s apartment everyday, bounded up the three-story walk-up, and hula hooped with her for hours. We spent so many sweaty spring days whirling in circles, I felt like it had become my way of life by the end of that summer. And after eight years of dedication, I can say it has become even more than that for me.

One day in February of 2015, after 3 years of hooping and comparing myself to everyone I saw on social media, I recorded this video. I was on the verge of a panic attack and I figured, why not give hooping a shot? Maybe it would help. And help it did.

After this moment, hooping became more than just a beautiful form of exercise and dance for me. It became an inextricable part of dealing with my mental health and keeping my symptoms at bay. Regular exercise has always been shown to have positive mental health benefits, especially if you are able to get into the flow state and really let go. But creating this video, the power that I felt capable of after I filmed this and beat my anxiety attack, was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Finally, I thought, I can take control of my own happiness.

Of course, things are never that easy, and hooping and dancing will never cure me of mental illness. However, I truly do believe in the power of creativity as a means to fight against your symptoms, and I am proof of it. Although I struggle with a handful of different mental diagnoses, there is something about movement and flow that have allowed me to express some of my ever-overflowing energy and to live a more sane, normal life.

For many hoopers and flow artists, the goal of practice is to eventually become a performer. And while I’ve had the honor of being a paid performer at events once or twice in my eight years of hooping, the performance aspect of it isn’t as enthralling to me. I always think about a quote from a famous musician that I cannot find for the life of me, where he talks about how being on-stage is a little bit too intense, and so he always just imagines it’s him alone, practicing and jamming for the love of it in his bedroom. It’s strange, because as a kid I dreamt of being a star and landing on a stage with all eyes on me, but my flow arts have nothing to do with “being a star”.

Me on a hoop adventure when I felt particularly bad ass.

For me, it’s about something much deeper than that. Inspiring an audience is no doubt a difficult and rewarding feat, but inspiring yourself with your commitment and your love for your art feeds your soul in a much deeper way. Making others smile is a rarity in this world, but falling in love with yourself is even more so.

Each morning, I fall into my trance. Hoop or staff in hand, my body flows in time to whatever music tickles my mind that morning. I whirl and spin and, at least for a few moments of my day, all of my mental troubles and cares fall away. There is nothing to worry about, no one to please, and certainly no anxiety in my stomach. There is only true peace, found with a prop in hand, dancing all by myself as the sun shines down.

---

Check out more of my flow arts/hooping content over on my Youtube channel!

3 Simple Ways to Be Productive When Your Mental Health Sucks

As much as I appreciate the oft-touted self-care advice to “take a break” or “take some time to rest and relax” when your mental health is suffering, when you’re a person with mental illness, you can’t spend every moment of bad mental health “relaxing”. There’s thing called life that we have to live, regardless of whether your mental state is helpful or harmful to you that day. Those of us who are lucky enough to hold down a job despite repeated episodes of poor mental health know it’s not as easy as just “taking a break” until we can manage to be people again.

However, just because your mental health may be down the dumps today or any other day doesn’t mean you are unable to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your responsibilities. If you’re unaware, I deal with 4 different diagnoses: social anxiety, major depression, bipolar II, and PTSD. Flashbacks, mood swings, panic attacks, and debilitating depression make it difficult to do what I need to do, but I have found a few ways to help myself be productive even when dealing with mental illness.

That said, if you are suffering right now and dealing with the pain of mental illness, know that you are not alone. Contact someone you care about before you do something you regret. While I do believe that mentally ill individuals can still be productive and motivated humans, it’s important that that productivity doesn’t come at the cost of your mental health.

Without further ado, here’s a few tips for staying productive when your mental health sucks.

Enhancing Your Productivity (No Matter What Your Mental Health Symptoms Are)

Daily life with mental illness can be a slog, especially if you haven’t managed to get your medication routine down or if you’re currently experiencing hardships like domestic violence, trauma, and other issues that often plague mentally ill populations. While there’s no “cure” for these feelings, being productive can have a profound impact on your self-esteem as well as your mood.

1. Write a To-Do List To Organize Your Mind

Organization is an onerous task, especially if you have a disorder that inhibits your ability to stay focused like ADHD or even OCD. No matter what disorder your deal with, taking one small step towards productivity is something that is accessible to everyone. I wrote a little bit yesterday about how to-do lists can benefit everyone if you’re interested in my personal productivity routine.

Writing a to-do list can not only help you to organize your mind for a more productive and motivated day, it will also enable you to see what you need to get done in a very concrete manner. Instead of drowning in tasks and not remembering to do important things, a list allows you to throw it all onto paper so that you are able to conquer your day.

2. If You’re Having A Bad Mental Health Day, Do Something Creative

Some mornings begin with anxiety roiling in my stomach from the very moment that I awake, and often that feeling doesn’t go away for most of the day. In an effort to get my mind off of whatever is bothering me, my favorite thing to do is force myself to be creative. Not only is practicing creativity an amazing distraction for your mind, it can also help to elevate your mood and allows you to express yourself, all at the same time.

I’m part of a number of art communities on Reddit like r/bipolarart and r/CPTSDart, and seeing the creativity that comes from the minds of my fellow mentally-ill warriors is always a great way to brighten my day. Becoming a part of a creative community full of people who are struggling with your same illness can be very affirming, as the support they provide is much kinder, gentler, and more understanding than most other art forums and communities online. I encourage you to seek these out, whether they are on Reddit, Facebook, Instagram, or Discord, and connect with your fellow creatives!

3. Dip Your Feet in Slowly to Mentally-Tough Tasks

Although being creative and getting organized can be helpful to your daily productivity, there’s really only one way to do the things you’ve dreaded, procrastinated, or generally just avoided. It can be mentally taxing to do something as simple as take a shower or do your laundry when you struggle with poor mental health, let alone completing the tasks you need to in order to be a responsible and mature adult.

One easy way that I help myself to get into work mode is to dip my feet in very slowly. When I have articles to write or essays to research, it can be incredibly overwhelming to just dive in and get to work if my brain isn’t being particularly kind that day. So I start by doing an easier, related task, like opening up my Google Docs or pulling a few links from Google to look at when I’m more “in it”. Soon enough, I usually find myself wading into the deep end of my work, able to tackle the difficult parts despite the mental toll it takes.

Don’t Give Up On Productivity

I’ve created quite a bit of Youtube content recently, and one thing that consuming Youtube videos has shown me is that the neurotypical world of productivity and motivation is quite inaccessible for those with mental illness. Videos showing those in med school or working hard jobs focusing for 10-12 hours at a time can be really demotivating when you are pursuing that same type of work with much less success.

Even if you never reach your “optimal productivity”, that’s okay. Being mentally well is more important than completing every task on your to-do list or burning yourself out in an effort to keep up with your neurotypical peers and colleagues.

Regardless of your journey towards mental wellness and living your most productive life, know that it’s possible for you to reach YOUR very best. It’s easy to compare yourself with the neurotypical world, but when you make your expectations a bit more realistic, you can succeed far more than you thought you would.

 

 

A Step-By-Step Guide to Changing Your Life

The air was full of promise — the smell of spring wildflowers dappling the verdant green grass, the rustling of the wind in the dried leaves, and the swaying of the Spanish moss on the branches of the live oak trees.

This place was ancient. And it told me something deep.

Before that moment, I’d always felt like I was borne by a chaotic tide. That I had no control over my life, over my emotions, over my yearning and endless heart.

And then, everything changed. The power lifted me up into its gentle hands and caressed me.

At the moment I realized I hated myself, I took hold of the reins to take control over my life.

It’s a story I’ve shared [countless] [times]. But it never loses its flavor.

Because I’m not the only one with that power. You can change your life, too.

You, too, can realize the depth and breadth of the soul that fills up your human cage. You do not have to be limited to your own usual patterns, to life the way you’ve always lived it.

Follow me. I’ll take you on a journey towards a better world. A world where your dreams take center-stage.

1. Identify What You Wish To Change

Photo by Agence Olloweb on Unsplash

This step, like all the steps that follow, requires a bit of honesty you may not be ready to give.

That’s always been the toughest part of starting: seeing through my own bullshit.

But you likely know what you want to change.

It may be something external — you finally want to lose the weight and lower your blood pressure, or you want to go plant-based with your eating habits.

Or it may be something internal, like conquering your anxiety or going after a dream you’ve put off for decades.

For me, my problem was this: I hated myself.

And I don’t mean I struggle with self-loathing. I literally hated myself. The way I walked, the way I spoke, the way I dressed, the way I danced. Everything about me was an embarrassment.

That was the first step, though. Figuring it out.

Whatever it is that’s holding you back in life — that’s what we’re focusing on today. Because if you’re being held back, your progress forward won’t matter.

So establish that one thing. It can be big or small, as long as you dedicate yourself to changing it.

2. What Is Stopping You?

Photo by Kai Pilger on Unsplash

Why haven’t you changed already? There must be obstacles in your way, fictional or real, to stop you from moving forward on your own.

Identify those obstacles. What is holding you back? Make a list of three items that are stopping your forward progress.

For me, those obstacles were all mental. I hated myself because my childhood had given me the mistaken idea I was unlovable, and that still is my biggest obstacle in coming to fall in love with myself.

If you don’t identify problems before they arise, you’re more likely to give up.

So look deep into yourself. Find where the resistance is. And then we will make a plan to fight it.

3. Create An Action Plan

Photo by Travis Yewell on Unsplash

Now that we know where we’re going and what kind of obstacles stand in our way, we must create a plan of action.

I’m all for plans. I’m a to-do lister, write-down-everything-and-anything type of gal, so I find it easiest to rip a sheet of paper out of my notebook and jot down those obstacles.

It’s easier to find solutions when the problem is staring you in the face.

Now’s the fun part! It’s time to brainstorm how exactly we will:

1. Change our lives
2. Combat the obstacles that stand in our way
3. Get back on track when we fall off

There’s no way you’re going to succeed without any problems. But if you have a plan of action to follow, it makes it a lot easier to stay on track with your goals.

For instance, my plan of action to help heal my self-hatred was to:

1. Speak more self-love to myself
2. Combat self-criticism with positive thoughts/words (obstacle I am combating)
3. Forgive myself when I mess up, but continue moving forward and never giving up

If you already have plan, you’re halfway there!

4. Get On The Struggle Bus

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

If it was easy, you would’ve done it already.

This is the hard part. The part where you don’t get the rewards, only the difficulty that comes with change.

Here’s a secret: patterns are hard to break free from.

Humans are controlled by the routines and unthinking habits we fall into.

If it’s your goal to change for the better, you have to understand how much you do without consciously thinking about it.

The Struggle Bus means being mindful. It doesn’t mean completely stopping or starting your goals — it means that persistence is what’s important here, going forward even when you fail.

Don’t be hard on yourself if you don’t succeed right away. You’ll get there. Keep on riding the Struggle Bus.

5. Stay Disciplined

Photo by Thao Le Hoang on Unsplash

Don’t give up just because of setbacks — remember that you planned for them.

Our little list of obstacles and solutions? This is where it truly comes in handy.

Discipline is most important when you’ve made some progress. Don’t allow the little things to get in your way.

I’m seven years out from the life-change I created, and I still struggle with negative thoughts about myself. It’s not the norm, but it is still a mode my mind falls into without me noticing.

So I use my tricks. I combat that criticism with a little self-love and a little gratitude. I make lists of why I’m great, despite that voice.

I may not be perfect, but I’m trying. Discipline is key during this step.

6. Profit: Your Life Has Changed!

Photo by Ian Stauffer on Unsplash

Congratulations! Perhaps you haven’t quite achieved your goals yet, and that’s okay.

The important part of changing your life is this journey, not the destination to getting there.

That’s where you learn the important things: when you struggle and discipline yourself anyway.

But look at you. You have that power within you, thrumming beneath your skin. Changing your life, even in a small way, compels you to want to reach for bigger things, for larger goals and higher mountains to climb.

Are you ready? To become the person you are meant to be?

I hope so, because it’s time.It’s time to live your dreams.

Originally published on Medium.com on August 8th, 2019.

The Burden I Carry Makes Me Strong

“Would it help if I turned out the lights?”

My manager was trying to be helpful, so I squeaked out a “yes” between hyperventilating breaths.

I was in the midst of a flashback.

It was not set off by anything in particular — I was just going through a hard time, after finding out that my father was terminally ill.

I had clawed my way to the back room, after helping a customer whilst dissociating, and collapsed into the rolling chair. The hyperventilation was just the start — soon, the screaming would overtake me.

I know it’s hard to look at the picture I’ve just painted and not feel sorry for me. But I don’t want sympathy. I was just going through a hard time and needed a moment.

My manager at the time was one of those saintly people who seemed to understand that. He left me alone in that dark room for almost an hour, and when the screaming overtook me I locked myself in the bathroom, muffling my shouts against my arms.

One thing I always appreciated about working with Shawn was that he got things that most other people didn’t. Like the central thesis of this essay, which is:

I am more than this picture I’ve painted. I am more than my mental illness.

Just because I suffer from panic attacks, because I’m set off by things that may seem strange or silly to others, and just because I very rarely have a flashback and begin to go back to my most traumatic memories, people don’t see me as the person I am.

They only see my fear.

---

Photo by Hu Chen on Unsplash

A Struggle, Not a Curse

Everyone has their own demons to fight.

My illness are those demons, but many don’t understand that I see it as a tremendous mountain I must climb, not a curse inflicted upon me.

The best example I have of this is my boyfriend. He’s a wonderful partner, supportive in almost every way I could hope for, but he doesn’t understand my struggle with PTSD.

And that’s okay. I don’t expect him, or anyone else who doesn’t suffer from this ridiculously intense illness, to get why I need to be alone to scream and dissociate every once in a blue moon. Or why any behavior would trigger me to do so.

But oftentimes, he tells me things like, “I don’t want to have to make you happy all the time. I don’t know how to help you or to fix what’s broken.”

I shake my head. “I am not broken, don’t you see? I am not some fragile doll who needs to be put back together! I am strong for my suffering. It makes me that much more able to carry the burden of life.”

I still don’t think he understands, well-intentioned as he may be. That what he sees as a flaw, I see as beauty.

That the struggle makes me strong.

---

Photo by Christopher Burns on Unsplash

The Burden I Carry Makes Me Strong

I get it. The illness is loud.

And even louder so because I, unlike almost everyone I know who suffers, have decided to forgo traditional medication.

Everything that I have tried has made me feel like a zombie, so I’d rather figure it out on my own. With meditation, with healthy eating habits, with exercise, with journaling, and with a lot of self-awareness. It’s not the path for everyone, but it’s my path, the one I’ve decided to be on.

But it’s not because I want to inflict myself upon people, or because I want attention, that I am mentally ill.

I am this way because of a traumatic childhood and an almost-equally traumatic adulthood, and I am in recovery.

I am regaining my love for humanity.

I do not see my mental illness as anything but a weight I must bear. A burden I must carry upon my shoulders, as anyone must carry their own burdens through this long and difficult road of life.

And to be honest, I see myself as stronger for my suffering and constant vulnerability, instead of pathetic.

There is more to me than just that suffering and that pain — there is a whole person full of artistic and creative endeavors hidden beneath those visible and anxious top layers, and few bother to look that deep.

Just because I suffer from mental illness does not mean I can’t hold down a job or keep myself together at critical moments — it means that I just have to work harder than most others to do so, and that I appreciate my accomplishments that much more deeply because I struggle so hard to achieve them.

I appreciate when others try to accommodate me, but often their empathy turns into them coddling me. However weak-willed and pathetic I may appear, I am also an adult. I can deal with positive pain or constructive criticism, as long as it’s not aimed at my insecurities.

I am so much more than what I appear on the surface. I am so much more than my mental illness.

---

Photo by Hudson Hintze on Unsplash

Stop Assuming, Stop Judging

No one has a choice in their childhood, or the way that genetics roll the dice. But we all have a choice to see others for who they are, not just who they appear to be on the surface.

I’ve taken a hard road, and many have tried to talk me off of it.

I appreciate the care and concern of those who have tried to look out for me, but I will find my way forward. There is no sense in judging my journey, for no one but I can see everything that has led me to this moment.

I am so much more than just the person this hard path — I am a dreamer, a lover, a feminist, a writer, a dancer, and one of the most bright and intense people you’ll ever meet.

My struggle is for a purpose: a better future, one where I am seen for more than just the illness I suffer from.

A future where I am seen for who I truly am.

Check out my book, “The Burden I Carry Makes Me Strong: Essays on Surviving and Thriving With Mental Illness”

 

Originally published on Medium.com on August 11th, 2019.

A Roadmap to Self-Care for the Anxious Mind

I Can’t Self-Care

I’m not proud of it — the first items on my to-do list every day are:

Eat 3 meals
Shower
Brush teeth

But that’s how it is. As a 27 year old, I’m proud to say I finally do in fact eat three meals most days. I also shower and brush my teeth most days. I couldn’t say that for most of the last few years, unfortunately.

But that’s not self-care. That’s basic Keep This Flesh Suit Alive 101. And I’ve just now mastered it. Over a quarter of the way into my life.

I don’t know how to admit it, other than just blurting it: I can’t self-care.

I’ve read a million articles and infographics and listicles and Facebook posts and Tumblr reblogs and Instagram captions that tell me to hop into the tub with a candle lit and some soothing music or to write in my little journal or to drink some chamomile tea or water my succulents or take a walk or… any number of things I would love to do if I enjoyed my company when I was sad.

But when I’m down, like way down below normal state almost tipping into Total Panic Meltdown, I cannot even move. I can barely shower, brush my teeth, eat 3 meals.

Hell, today I ate 3 meals only because I ate two dinners to make up for my anxiety-for-breakfast routine.

I’m being honest with you all to tell you this: my silly little roadmap works sometimes. And other times the darkness is too deep. Sometimes I can’t keep it from coming over me, like a dusky storm cloud about to unleash a torrent upon a desert.

AND THAT’S OKAY.

Self-care isn’t about relaxing. It’s about TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF: mind, body, and soul. Not just one calming bath. Not just a yoga session. Not just a journal entry. Those won’t help, not alone at least. Those are just soothing mechanisms.

Taking care of yourself is just trying to get ahead of the darkness.

But some days, you just have to leave the door open for it.

Some days, you just have to work with your darkness. Make a little bit of room for it. Not give into it totally, but let it sit next to you, calmly, without taking everything over.

Some days you have to make your darkness your friend.

A college roommate, one who unfortunately played a big part in the ripening of my CPTSD, painted a portrait of me. She never finished it, but it was one of those: an angel and a devil sitting on each shoulder. The devil pulled on my hair while the angel whispered grace into my ear.

That’s self care. Just trying to give the angel a little bit more say.

---

Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

Why Real Self-Care is Important

Self-care is often touted as a must for chronically ill and mentally ill people. We only have so many “spoons”, as my mom says in reference to her fibromyalgia, and those of us plagued by illness have fewer and smaller spoons than most.

But regardless of whether you’ve got a totally clean bill of health or not, self-care, real self-care, is vital to ensuring you like a happier and more fulfilled life.

When everything is down, these little rituals allow us to keep the darkness at bay.

My Road Map for Self-Care in an Uncaring World

There’s so much more to taking care of your soul container than you would even believe. In order to be a happy, healthy human we need: safety, security, assurance of a full belly, positive social relationships, and a love for the self. I tack each of these below.

1. Safety and Security

Often, I get stuck here. One of my biggest issues is that I don’t often feel safe, partly because I find it incredibly difficult to set boundaries with other people.

Setting boundaries is a hugely important part of making sure you feel safe and secure. If you live in an environment where you never get any alone time, how are you supposed to do the basic maintenance work you need to on yourself? Where will you find the time?

It’s important to carve out moments for you to take care of yourself, and yourself alone. If you have kids, I know this can be difficult, but it’s not a race to see who can sacrifice the most of their sanity to take care of another. We have to take care of ourselves first, and that starts with setting boundaries.

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

2. Basic Need Check-In

After so long of my body constantly firing off false signals, I find that I am often numb to the basic needs of it. So if you’re feeling down, take a moment to check in with yourself.

Do you need food, water, sleep, or a moment of relaxation? What is your body telling you?

It may take a little practice to read these signals if you’ve ignored them for so long, like I have, but I almost always need food when I’m super anxious. A huge hit of protein can stop my low blood sugar from ruining an otherwise good day.

3. Positive Social Engagement

There is absolutely nothing that makes me feel better than hanging out with a group of my good friends. Better yet, if it happens around a fire in the middle of woods we’re all camping in — I’m in heaven.

Find your social sweet spot. It doesn’t need to be every day, but at least once a week, try to hang out with people that make you feel good. People that you love. I promise you it’ll make you feel better.

Photo by Drew Colins on Unsplash

4. Move Your Body

I don’t think there’s been anything in my life that has helped me cope with mental illness better than exercise. When I was young and about to fall into a Total Panic Meltdown, I’d strap on my Nike’s and run as fast as I could, just to work the pain out.

I encourage you to find whatever exercise works best for you.

I don’t get to run often anymore because of an injury, but I’ve found so much healing in [hoop dance]. It doesn’t need to be hard — you just have to give a little bit of movement love to yourself.

The endorphins will follow.

6. Fall In Love With Yourself

Practicing self-compassion can be difficult, but we make it easier on ourselves when we regularly engage in activities that allow us to express our deepest feelings.

For me, those things are writing, hooping, and reading. Nothing on the planet makes me as happy as those three things. Notice I included a more passive activity in that — for me, reading is an incredibly engaging and expressive experience for me, one that helps me understand myself better through other people’s stories.

Whatever it is that makes you happy, that makes your heart sing, do more of that. That’s true self-care: looking at your darkness and deciding to celebrate life instead.

Photo by Luis Tosta on Unsplash

Your New Beginning

I’m not an expert on this subject. I’m just a girl who took decades to learn how to shower and brush her teeth every day.

So take it from me when I say: this stuff can be hard. But if you have game plan, a road map to tackle self-care and keep that darkness at bay a bit, you’re one step closer to a happier and healthier life.

Believe me — if baths with scented candles healed me, I’d never get out of the tub. But they won’t.

So we have to take action ourselves. We have to make our own pathway through the darkness.

And maybe one day we’ll find a way out.

Originally published on Medium.com on August 20th, 2019.

Overcome Your Greatest Fears and Create Your Best Life Today

One month ago, I was sitting in the back office of my former job, crying my eyes out. Yet another simple thing I’d done was blown out of proportion by management. I was beginning to get the feeling that they wanted me gone.

I remembered the good ol’ days. Back before my manager called me in alcoholic stupor and made me take him to the hospital. Back before my dad died and my brain wasn’t so broken. Back before our old assistant manager left to work at another store. Everything had fallen apart.

I poured everything I had into that job. I covered shifts, I took care of customer issues, I found the perfect products for my regulars. I knew that store like the back of my hand.

I stepped outside for a moment, putting my coworker in charge, to call my boyfriend. “Babe,” I said, “I have to quit.”

---

How I Overcame

I had nothing lined up. But instead of letting that stop me, I let it fuel me.

This company didn’t believe in me? Well, I’d show them. I told them for years about my abilities in writing and how I could be an asset. Instead, they ignored me. So it was time to do the work myself.

I put in my two week’s notice with a heavy heart but an excited spirit. Those last weeks were hectic, but I counted every moment until I was done.

In the meantime, I worked. I applied to over a dozen jobs and decided to throw some applications in for freelance writing. What would you know — I landed two clients in the span of 24 hours. My first two clients.

I’ve since added a third — a copywriting job in the same industry I left. And in less than a month, I’m making the same amount of income I was at my retail job.

And guess what? None of it required bravery.

---

Photo by Bogdan Dirică from Pexels

Don’t Be Brave

I suffer from social anxiety, so it’s not easy for me to talk to people in a public sphere.

The advice people give me a lot is: “Don’t listen to your anxiety. Be brave and do what you want.”

The trouble with that advice is: just living a normal life with anxiety requires unprecedented bravery. Every moment of the day is its own small world-ending disaster after another, so just getting out of bed is the pinnacle of bravery for me sometimes.

It’s not so much about being brave, in my opinion.It’s about realizing that what you want is more important than your fear.

Read that again: it’s about realizing what you want is more important than your fear.

Listen, I know all about fear ruling your life. Today, I almost had a panic attack at the grocery store because I hit my shin and it sent me into a fear spiral.

For the most part, though, fear is kind of silly. Fear is put there to stop you from killing yourself, essentially — it wasn’t put in your brain to hold you back from the life you want to achieve.

Be so busy living your life that fears stops mattering. It never goes away completely, but you get used to listening to it nag and then not doing anything about it.

Don’t listen to your fear. There is no growth there.

---

Finding Your Way to Freedom

Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom. — Marilyn Ferguson

It’s all well and good for me to give you some esoteric advice. “Hmm, sounds good,” you say, and move onto the next read. But I want to give you actionable words. I want you to know deep within your heart that your desire for a better life is more important than your fear.

So here’s a three step process for overcoming your greatest fears.

1. Take a deep breath.

This will probably be painful. It might even be excruciating. That’s okay — you’ve gotten through worse. Don’t brace against your fear: accept it.

One mantra I find particularly helpful is from Frank Herbert’s Dune:

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

Only you will remain after your fear passes. Remember that.

2. Do the thing.

What is preventing you from growing? What is holding you back?

What is one step you can take towards the future? What is one fear you must overcome?

Do it. It might be painful, embarrassing, heart-breaking, boring, or even just plain bad — but you made an attempt. You took aim towards yourself and even if you didn’t land quite on target, at least you made a shot.

For me, it was quitting my job. I had spent two years jobless before I found that job and I was afraid I’d have to ask others for help. My mental illness has held me back before, but I vowed it would not this time.

I’m doing the freelance writing thing. I’m off on my own: my greatest fear and my greatest desire. I am so proud of myself, even if I fail. At least I tried.

3. Assess your progress and be proud.

You may not have overcome your fear yet, but taking small steps is something to be proud of. Perhaps you aren’t quite ready to play sold-out amphitheaters after just one open-mic night, and that’s okay. I’m not yet a published novelist, no.

I took a leap. And I’m now one inch closer to the reality of my dreams. One
step forward is still progress. We have to appreciate that progress and be proud of ourselves for starting out. Look forwards, not back.

---

Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius from Pexels

You Have the Power

It is all within you. The fear and the desire to overcome it — that is the growth waiting to begin. Fear is not something to hide away from, like a coward. Instead, stare it in the face, just as you face the brightness of your future.

The past holds nothing; the future, everything.

Live your best life, because you deserve it. Only you have the power to create it.

What are you waiting for?

Originally published on Medium.com on July 10th, 2019.

Daily To-Do Lists Are An Anxious Person’s Superpower

I’ve always been kind of a space cadet.

I’m often in my own little world inside of my mind, barely paying attention to the present surroundings or the words that people are saying to me, especially if it’s important information.

For whatever reason, my attention is a little hyperactive, forgetting the aforementioned important information but keeping facts like the average weight of a whale shark available and at hand.

That little world is a pleasant place, oftentimes, filled with curiosities and strangeness, but it’s a distraction.

It’s quite difficult for me to keep myself focused when “oh, shiny object” is the constant refrain, onto some new and interesting thought that drags me away from the present.

So I use to-do lists to keep myself in check.

To remember everything that I need to do, but also to push myself further towards my goals and to form new habits.

I’ve been addicted to lists since I was a kid. Anything in that formula just helps my mind to focus on the task at hand.

It wasn’t until college, however, that I began to lose track of everything I needed to do. In high school, I could hold all of that information in my head, but there were a whole lot more page numbers to memorize once I hit the university campus. So I began to keep my lists, a practice that I have kept up with for a very long time.

These lists help me to keep my mind from those distractions that normally beset me each day. There’s no doubt, when I stare at that piece of paper, what needs to be done.

And best of all?

There’s no better feeling than checking off that box and seeing a visual representation of your accomplishment. It sets it into stone.

Create Your Own To-Do List

Photo by Green Chameleon on Unsplash

Of course, you already know how to make a list.

It’s as simple as jotting down an assortment of tasks that need to be completed, and crossing them out or checking them off when they’re done.

But I personally think the perfect to-do list has more elements than that.

The perfect list is one that will be a motivator, all on its own. By seeing what you have accomplished so far, you will be spurred on to complete the entire thing.

1. Have a Mix of Easy and Hard Tasks
   Don’t just jot down your most dreaded tasks — give yourself an easy dopamine boost and put down something you know you’ll accomplish during the day. Checking off that one simple task will push you to complete the harder ones!
2. Have A Number-One Priority for the Day
   It’s simple to know what to do first if you prioritize your tasks. Personally, I like to get a few easy tasks out of the way before I tackle the number one thing, but it’s always best to put that priority somewhere near the top, so you’ll read over it each time you look over your own list.
3. Be Realistic
   Chances are, if you’ve been putting off cleaning the house for months, you probably won’t do it all in one day. So be realistic with yourself — break larger projects down into smaller tasks and conquer a few of those each day. Try to give yourself some variety so that you’re not stuck doing the same repetitive activity all day.
4. Plan Some Fun
   I always like to have a way to reward myself after I complete my to-do list. Usually, it’s a little time in the bathtub with some Epsom salts and a good book. Give yourself a little pat on the back. And put it on the list!

To-Do Lists Saved My Life

The reason I’m so enthusiastic about such a simple topic as keeping a to-do list is that I truly believe this practice helped me to regain control over my life.

Three years ago this September, a man who I was deeply in love with professed that he no longer wanted to be with me. I was forced to move from Colorado, where I’d made my home for only a few months, back to my parent’s house in Florida. I was incredibly depressed.

Photo by Kristopher Roller on Unsplash

So depressed, in fact, that I often contemplated killing myself. I had no direction. No drive. I was too heartbroken to want to continue living.

I’d never been so deep into that feeling before — that blackness almost overtook me.

And then I discovered The Miracle Morning, a self-help book that lays out a morning routine to help you live a better life.

To keep track of the routine, I began to keep a list every day.

And because I was so depressed, I also put simple things that depressed people forget to do on that list. Like brushing my teeth and showering and eating three meals. Like laundry. Like leaving the house for five minutes.

Those lists kept me going. They rewarded me for the basic things, the priorities I needed but couldn’t motivate myself to care about. And eventually, the fog began to lift.

I began to see hope and light in life again. And every day, I performed my tasks.

It’s been three years. I haven’t been consistent with it, but I’ve persisted regardless.

And now, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. It’s not just the to-do lists, or the morning routine, or the self-help books: it’s giving an effort. It’s trying, even when I feel like I have no willpower. It’s being resilient, having grit, and pushing yourself.

Photo by Miguel Bruna on Unsplash

Become a To-Do Superhero

I truly believe that to-do lists are my superpower.

They give me the courage to face my problems, to just see them as tasks on a page, and to go after them with vigor.

There are a few important elements to a good to-do list, but ultimately, it’s up to you whether you want to change your life.

Can a to-do list help? Well, I certainly don’t think it can hurt.

And who knows? Maybe you’ll turn into a To-Do Superhero, just like me.

Originally published on Medium.com on August 10th, 2019.

How to Use Creativity to Thrive with Mental Illness

 

The first novel-length work I wrote was inspired by Twilight. I’m not ashamed to say it. I was fourteen and in love with werewolves. I’d devoured all three of the series in one sitting on my couch during a particularly muggy August, crying my eyes out at the first flush of fictional love and heartbreak. Reading those books inspired me to write my own — a darker version, but the werewolf still had eyes that changed colors and rode a motorcycle. The protagonist, Faye, had been thrown into a mental institution after a near-death accident left her ranting and raving about how he’d saved her. But of course, like in all stupid love stories, he broke her out and whisked her away on his motorcycle.

One day when I was fifteen, I absolutely freaked out. I have no idea what the cause was (although I suspect it had something to do with my father) and it sent me into a panic attack and a subsequent episode where I ripped up the entirety of the werewolf novel, which had been written in one single composition notebook. I also got into a tepid bath with my clothes on. There was no reasoning there — I just lost control.

I regret that I ripped it up to this day. That was my first real attempt at a book, my first foray into the world of novel-writing. Crafting that book had been a labor of intense focus and creative fervor, one that I’ve felt many times since, but never again in such a raw and focused way. I was powerless, at least it felt like it: mental illness had struck me for one of the first times that I can recall and its cry was heard loud and clear throughout my soul.

Instead of giving up, I threw myself into my work. I wrote more in high school than I have at any other point in my life, inspired by the reality of becoming an adult and creating my own future. I wanted to be published before I graduated, and as the deadline approached, I knew I’d have to push it back. I wasn’t ready, just yet, for that to come.

Today, I’m twenty-six. I’ve still yet to be published. But over the years, instead of railing against the bombs that go off inside of my brain, I’ve learned to redirect that frenzied energy into my creative work. It hasn’t been easy — in fact, my career as an artist was put to the wayside for years while I got a handle on my mental illness. For that reason, I recommend only using this sort of energy once you’ve done the same, otherwise you may fall into the trap of relying upon your mental illness for creativity.

Many lives have been lost in that hopeless journey, and I do not advocate forgoing treatment just because creativity may help in certain moments. Mental health is something that should be approached from many different angles, and in this essay I will explore just one angle: how to use creativity to thrive with mental illness. That doesn’t mean the other angles should be ignored — so go to therapy if you need to, take meds if you need to, eat healthy if you need to, exercise if you need to. There are so many ways to help yourself!

The Research

Before we get into my methodology, I’d like to explore current scientific thought about the link between mental illness and creativity. Not only am I interested in harnessing my own creativity energy, I wanted to find out if the idea that mental illness is prevalent in creatives has any weight.

The “Mad Artist” trope has been depicted across millennia and across cultural lines, particularly when it comes to painting and writing. A number of writers that are heralded in the canon of English literature had some kind of mental illness — for instance, Ernest Hemingway and his depression, which led to such beautiful art it still resonates within the human soul but also led to his eventual suicide. I will specifically focus on writers in this section because of the overwhelming amount of research into this phenomena in my particular profession.

So, how common is it for writers to have some kind of mental illness? The answer is a bit overwhelming — one study found “being an author was specifically associated with increased likelihood of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, unipolar depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, and suicide.” Another study produced this grim finding, one that hit quite close to home for me, “Female writers were more likely… to suffer not only from mood disorders but from drug abuse, panic attacks, general anxiety, and eating disorders as well.”

It’s quite clear that there is indeed a link between mental illness and creativity, especially in the case of writers. I can think of countless examples off the top of my head of writers who ended up killing themselves: Hunter S. Thompson, Sylvia Plath, Emily Dickinson, Virginia Woolf. I could go on, but you get the point.

My Own Journey

It has always saddened me to feel as though I might end up doing the same and just become another statistic, perhaps before I’m even published. I never felt like I could do anything about it. I wasn’t even sure what was wrong with me for most of my life— I was twenty-one when I realized I had anxiety, twenty-two when PTSD presented itself. It’s fortunate that around this time I was also allowed access to drugs that bent my mind in new and incredible ways, and I finally saw beauty in myself and found a reason to care. I was determined not to become like those other writers in my struggle, and so for years I worked on my mental health, intermittently writing when the mood struck and the time was right. I finished one book and then another, starting several more in between. Healing found me during this time, healing that was sorely needed, and I pressed that healing into my work like fruit through a juicer, squeezing out the bits that I thought might resonate with others.

This past November and December have been the most prolific months for me in years, with thirty thousand words of a novel written and several thousand more in passionate Medium articles.

Psychotherapist Diana Pitaru says, “Anxiety is a common emotion experienced by creative people… Anxiety can be a double edged sword: it can either help you move forward or keep you stuck and paralyzed. Creativity and anxiety share a commonality: possibility.” This is exactly the change that came over me during this healing time: I began to look at my mental illness not as a burden, a thorn in my side, but instead I learned to use it as fuel. If I’m going to suffer, I might as well create beauty from that suffering, explore the possibility that not all suffering is worthless but perhaps may offer me a greater purpose.

My favorite musician of all time, Jerry Garcia, who himself died from a long-standing addiction to heroin, says that music is “something that escapes between frenzies, between anxiety attacks.” Great art in general can be described this way, as though pulling water from stone: it can turn those anxious moments into priceless nuggets of inspiration.

My Method(s)

There is no one way to make creativity be at your beck and call. There is no one way to ensure that your mental health is sound — there is only trial and error. For me, the most important facets of using your creativity to thrive are hard won, but perhaps you may glean something from my experiences.

1. Do. Not. Give. Up.

Some days I don’t write at all. It is something I am trying to change, a reason that my daily to-do list always has “write 1k words” written near the top. I’ve always had an issue with discipline, but the most important thing about discipline is this: you can never give it up if you want to succeed. I will always strive to do better, to do more, than I currently am — to plant the seeds for my own spiritual growth. And the only way to do that is if you never ever ever give up.

2. Fear is not your enemy — embrace it.

It is an oft-quoted aphorism, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” I’ve thought about it deeply because it resonates within me — fear is only a feeling. It is not something to be railed against or to be run away from. It is something you must face, as with all feelings. We willingly turn our faces to positive emotions like happiness and social connection, but I’ve always thought it wrong how we tend to push away our negative feelings. How do we overcome anger but to look at it head-on? That is the only way we can understand whether we must back down or fight.

Fear is similar: in order to overcome our deepest fears, we must face them. Writing this essay is a fear I am facing at this very moment. I started writing this a month ago and haven’t touched it since, distracted by my life and its utter unpredictability and chaos. Today while driving, I realized how afraid I was to continue writing, fearful that I would not be able to do this topic justice. But in facing it now, I understand now that overcoming this fear and just sitting down to write is exactly what I needed to do — I feel stronger for it. I always think of this quote, often attributed to Joseph Campbell, “The treasure you seek is in the cave you fear to enter.” How can you defeat your dragons if you do not face them?

3. Establish a routine.

This is probably the only item on this list that I am extremely weak in, but it is something I’ve learned can help you more than almost anything else and I will never stop striving for it. Routines are the best possible way to keep your mental health in check as a creative — if you can establish a healthy lifestyle, mentally and physically, you’ll be miles ahead of where you were before. The same thing goes with establishing a healthy creative style. If you only create in frenzied moments of inspiration, you will be dulled by the boredom of just knocking the work out every single day. It is drudgery, real creative work — don’t listen to those who tell you it’s easy.

A routine will help you with the drudgery, with the painstaking and often-tedious work that is improving your skills and leveling up in your craft. For me, my routine is mostly mental. When things begin to build up inside of my head, thoughts and ideas and fears and petty feelings, I must pour it out onto the page. I will write what I call “word jams” — basically freestyle poetry in the form of prose, where nothing really makes sense. Making sense is not the focus of this exercise; instead, I try to just get the feelings down first, and then begin my real work, purged of all the tension that filled me.

4. Moments of Inspiration

The best part of being a creative is the moments when the muse alights on your shoulder and whispers all the knowledge of the universe into your mind. These moments hardly persist unless the urge to create is so strong it overtakes all, even eating and sleeping, in the call. These are my favorite moments. One stands out: the burst of inspiration for what I like to call my “magnum opus” The Girl Who Cried Lightning. I was at a music festival when the weather cut the late-night sets short, and my friend Alex and I waded through the flooded park back to our campsite. Lightning forked in the sky like so many tridents of light united in one spectacular burst and the idea filled me up to the brimming, flooding my senses with heat and light and beauty so strong I almost fell over.

I hope you have had these moments. But I also need to tell you: you must be aware that they are fleeting and that your own physical health is more important than your art. Do not give yourself completely over to your muse — reserve a little energy for yourself. You never know when you may need it.

5. Be kind to yourself.

In your quest for creative awesomeness, I want to leave you with this final method for thriving. Do not berate yourself for your lack of work. Do not ruminate over what could be or who you may have been if you mental illness did not get into the way. Instead, be grateful to your strong soul for overcoming all of those obstacles to fulfill your dreams. Be proud of the justice that is a life well-lived, especially to those of you who have experienced trauma and suffered for it. Be imaginative — show us how amazing this world could be. So start with yourself. Be the kindest you can to yourself and the universe will pay you back infinite times.

Let me know what YOUR methods for using creativity to thrive with mental illness are! I’d love to gather more stories of how we have all overcome our greatest fears and I love hearing from my readers.

Originally published on Medium.com on January 10th, 2019.